That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
