you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
