i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
