So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
