I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
