At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
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I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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