Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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