You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
