This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
