Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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