My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
