We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
