I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
