your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
