Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
