and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
