So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
