Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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