Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
