I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
