watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
