There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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