She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
