It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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