Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
