she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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