I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
