all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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