I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
only you would photoshop your dick
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
