I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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