Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
