her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
