New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
