1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
