I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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