I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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