1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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