probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
