i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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