I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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