Where is the hickey?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
