Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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