chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
