Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
