I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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