i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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