I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
