My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
