I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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