when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
