I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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