There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
