I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
