i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Randomize
