Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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