I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
