in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
then he tried to convert me to islam
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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