im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
