I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
