He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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