She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
