I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
